Later – When I Have More Time

Today my nephew would have been 18. If he did not end his own life almost two years ago.

Emilis came to me in a dream the night it happened and seemed to be really sad and depressed. We went for a walk in the early hours of the morning near a huge lake surrounded by thick fog. He wanted to cross a bridge over the lake even though all we could see in the distance was even more grey heavy fog. I was reassuring him that things will work out, that everything will change and that there’s so much I’d like to teach him about life and asked him to skype me so we would talk when I had more time.

Despite my efforts to convince the boy not to cross the bridge words seemed to escape him as he had already made up his mind. He briefly glanced at me and walked into the fog while keeping his gaze down. I don’t remember the rest of the dream, but I remember the sound of an early morning text message. It was from my mum and read something like this, ‘Sad news – Emilis killed himself at night’. In flood of tears I instantly recalled the dream which now held so much meaning – he came to say goodbye.

It was his choice – he could not handle life on earth anymore and decided to cross over. Who am I to question, blame others, the environment or even wonder what could have been? He’s gone. While I’m sure that if anyone had suspected what was about to happen we would have done our best to save him, this makes me question: how much control do we really have over someone else’s life?

What struck me though was the fact that when he came to me so visibly distressed, after uttering a few words of comfort I asked him to skype me LATER when I have MORE TIME. Even though it happened in the dream state, the reality is that a lot of us can relate to this at some point in time. And I am not even talking here about not doing something here and now for our loved ones, but the fact that we postpone what really matters to us until ‘LATER, WHEN I HAVE MORE TIME’.

The truth is that life may pass you by and there will be no time left to do what truly counts. So if you’re waiting for when you’re ready, just know that every single second of your time on earth is precious. Also know that someone who’s alive today may not be here tomorrow. Ask yourself, ‘if such and such died tomorrow what would I want them to know?’ and you will have some pretty good guidance to do what needs to be done. More often than not, things left unsaid carry heavy weight and when expressed they will set you free. Having said that, remember that words have energy and they can equally lift someone up or destroy them so choose what you say wisely, from the heart, and most importantly – be true to yourself.

 

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