Open Heart

I wrote this poem a while ago, but I’ve been too afraid to post it. Simply, because it’s too open and so personal at the same time. Heck, I even get emotional when I read it now. I don’t even write poems very often, but when I do I post them on my blog (at least the ones that are complete anyway).  But here’s what happened… I wanted to read it and I couldn’t find it. And it upset me tremendously, for reasons that I don’t even understand. And then I found it in an archived WhatsApp message sent to Mr Someone himself.

So here’s the thing. Creativity and self-expression both go hand in hand. Because every time you create something you invest a piece of your heart. At least I do.  And it just so happens that I’ve chosen a path of the creative. And that requires vulnerability and living with an open heart. So regardless of how I feel, I want it to be on my blog, where it belongs, together with my other poems. Because it’s not just about him, it’s also about me and self-expression.  It’s something that I invested my time, emotions and my heart into. Regardless of its quality or relevance to what is happening in my life right now, it is my creation and I choose to let it out into the open.  All creations should be out there, really.

And my message to you is this: do not hold yourself back. Excitement, passion and imagination do not live there. And when you deprive yourself of self-expression and imagination, life feels bleak and monotonous. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what others think about you or how deep into your soul they see. They do not live your life, you do. So choose to be vulnerable, again and again. And always choose love, even if it feels like your heart has been broken a million times. Most importantly, choose to be true to yourself and follow your heart. I promise, it will certainly take you places.

Letting Go

I think of you when I can’t fall asleep at night.
Or can’t I fall asleep because I think of you?
I long for your touch. Your smell.
Your strong arms around me.
Your smile in the morning and a twinkle
in your eye when you wake up next to me.

I thought love would fade, but it hasn’t.
I didn’t know I could love you this much.
Regardless of what had happened between us,
You’re still the one that I love.

When you left, the world felt strange,
because someone so dear to me wasn’t there anymore.
I kept telling myself that we’re wrong for each other
and that you didn’t feel what I felt anyway.

I tried to convince myself that I didn’t feel
what I’ve felt for you either.
Only god knows how many nights I cried and
told myself it would be the last time.
Yet, lying to myself didn’t stop me from feeling
So I had to learn how to accept love
and all that followed with that.

Love. Loss. Pain. Anger. Confusion.
Guilt. Blame… to name just a few.
So many memories just kept emerging
And, god, I struggled profusely to let go of them.
Yet, sometimes I’d detach from feeling completely
and lived like an emotionless shell.

But letting go is inevitable I guess.
And so is being connected to love.
And loving someone whether you’re with them or not,
despite the distance between you, the circumstance
and even the past… It’s beautiful. And liberating.
I guess it shows who you are.

I’m so content when I see you… it scares me.
I’m always nervous and a little afraid to see you again.
I realise that our closeness and connection are strong:
it’s like the ever burning fire between us,
but it burns our hearts too.

Two forces. Inside me.
They fight between themselves and they keep telling me things.
One says to run, to forget you and to never look back,
but the other one tells me to always choose love.

It’s time. It’s time to move on and let go again.
I don’t expect anything nor do I ask you to give what you can’t.
But I’ll say one thing: there’s a lot of beauty inside you
and I will always be grateful for having experienced that.

The last time I saw you it was a wonderful gift.
Exciting, yet so emotional, maybe because
it felt like our final goodbye.
No fights or arguments, just two people
spending time together and feeling each other’s hearts.

I wonder, when did it really end?
When did we stop talking to each other
and decided to leave so many words unsaid?
What happened to openness, to trusting each other
and speaking from our hearts?
What happened to working things out?
What happened to our love?

Yet here I am again, letting you go…
Because it takes two people to build something,
because it takes two people to choose.

I wanted to talk to you, but I was afraid that I’d lose it
and I guess you’ve been going through some memories too.
So here’s my poem, merely expressing what I wanted to tell you
and, finally, letting myself to walk away too.

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When the Heart is Cut

It’s so easy to keep the heart closed and to believe that in doing so we will protect it from any future pain and hurt. But, what really happens, that assumed protection is exactly what ends up hurting us even more. What is life without love?

When the heart is closed, we live in fear and are focused on avoiding pain, and as many of us know, focus creates reality. We rush, we run, we distract ourselves with busy lifestyles, just to avoid emotions, and so it becomes harder and harder to acknowledge and accept how we really feel.

When the heart is closed, love can’t flow through, and when we deny love to others, we also deny it to ourselves. Without self love we can’t truly flourish, and life then, often, loses real meaning.

Yet, there’s only so long you can run away from yourself. The ice has to crack one day. Face what has happened to you, allow yourself to feel, however painful it may be, and choose to keep the heart open. Pain doesn’t last forever, love does. And, most importantly, you get to choose what emotions you give the power to.

I came across this beautiful poem, by Michael Leunig, in one of my favourite restaurants last night. Considering that it was in the dessert menu, all I can say is that life is sweet. 🌸🌍🌻🦋

When the heart
Is cut or cracked or broken,
Do not clutch it;
Let the wound lie open.
Let the wind
From the good old sea blow in
To bathe the wound with salt,
And let it sting.
Let a stray dog lick it,
Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell,
And let it ring.

How to Get and Keep a Guy 

I keep seeing posts addressed to women and titled something like, ‘He won’t leave you if you do this’, ‘How to get and keep a guy’, ‘What men like in a woman’ etc. Really? How about being yourself and standing in your power in relation to men? 

There’s nothing more beautiful than a woman knowing who she is and being cool about it, even with all her so called flaws. I mean, come on, we all have an ego and nobody is perfect. While such articles can be interesting to read or even amusing sometimes, it often sends a message of what women need to do in order to be approved, loved even, by men.

So here’s my message: don’t be afraid to be who you are. If someone leaves you because they don’t like all of you, let them. But don’t mould yourself into a doll, don’t make it all about ‘him’ just so you could keep a guy. There are plenty of brilliant men out there; the more you stand in your power and go for what’s important to you, the more likely you are to meet someone where you can be perfectly yourself.

That is not to say that relationships do not require any effort, they do. But what determines the success of a relationship is where you are coming from: do you try to ‘please’ him and do what a good partner ‘should do’ because you’re afraid of losing him or do you consciously choose to put effort in to make your relationship as great as it can be? In other words, are you acting out of fear or love?

From The Short Ramblings Series: Communication in Relationships

Communication by far is one of the most important things in a relationship. Needless to say, it goes hand in hand with vulnerability. Contrary to popular belief, vulnerability is power, not a form of weakness. Why? Because it takes a lot of strength to overcome your ego and not only admit to yourself, but also to another person that perhaps you are afraid, have insecurities, feel lost or somehow incomplete.

People generally believe that they can’t be truthful and need to manipulate or impress others, or that being themselves is somehow not viable or even dangerous. Yet there’s nothing more powerful than being real, expressing yourself and owning your heart.

See, I was one of those people who were afraid to be open up and liked to stay in control. Yet it never led me anywhere nice, or worth being, for that matter. Only when, with a trembling voice and shaking hands at times, I got deep, really deep… only then I witnessed magic.

I find it so beautiful and humble when a person can truly open up and talk about their feelings, fears and desires. When we communicate from that space, connection deepens, falseness falls off and miracles happen. I love what Gay Hendricks wrote in is his book ‘The Big Leap’:

‘There are several ways we limit positive energy in relationships. One is by starting arguments, out of fear of intimacy, at times when we could be exchanging intimacy. Another is by withholding significant communications. We get scared of being close, for example, and instead of telling the microscopic truth about it (“My belly felt tight and my skin contracted when I heard you say…”), we withdraw and swallow the communication. Another way we limit positive energy is by needing to control or dominate the other person (or needing to be controlled or dominated). If we always have to be right, for example, there is no room in the relationship to be happy.’

Happy communication folks. Stay true to yourselves. Stay powerful.

 

New Relationship. Should I Stay or Should I Go?

A new relationship. Nice beginning, first few months of smooth sailing and boom – you have an argument. Things were said, a door was slammed, someone stormed out, someone fired an insult. As the relationship is fairly new you have no idea where you stand. In fact, you still might be questioning yourself if you were ready for that relationship in the first place. So what do you do now? You’re scared to lose them, but you’re equally scared to feel like you’re messing up again. And what on earth will you tell your friends, especially after posting that loved up shot on Instagram last week.

A battle of injured egoic perception of self against the battle of your true essence. You know who you are and you know your partner is a good person. You know that on a deeper level we are all connected and, as souls, everyone is equally beautiful. But you have also lived with your personality traits, beliefs and habits for so long that it’s damn hard to separate the made up identity, aka ‘the saboteur monkey’, from the real you.

And if you ask yourself, ‘Who am I really?’ and start de-constructing those false beliefs you will find dark bits, sadness, deep wounds, pain, lack of self worth, anger and rage which all stem from past experiences. It doesn’t matter how well you cover it up – we all have darkness inside. It’s just a part of being human. Even in nature – as night follows day; the rain follows sunshine.

Wounded? That can’t be you, right? Things are going wrong so maybe the person you’re with is the one who has issues and cannot understand you. Let me ask you something; can you understand yourself? Are you willing to work on yourself, to transform your character, to be more accepting and forgiving towards yourself and others? Are you ready to really get to know and love all aspects of you? As Carl Jung (a Swiss psychiatrist often called one of the most controversial psychological theorists) so rightly put, “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

Looking inside your shadow and fully accepting yourself for who you are will  be one of the most difficult things you ever do. An old idea of self, expired beliefs and past experiences will often haunt you and threaten to take away sanity and pieces of happiness you still possess. It is easy to advise someone else what to do; how to raise kids, how to solve problems with their partner and how to live, really. Yet when it comes to ourselves we are often clueless, confused and can’t seem to find the way forward. 

When faced with choice, especially around relationships, it’s so easy to act childlike and throw a tantrum so just you don’t have to admit to yourself that you are scared and would rather sabotage the relationship. So you find excuses: long hours at work, crazy training regime, time consuming hobbies and no way you could commit to someone, as you do not have the time, right?

And then you look for supporting evidence: your partner said something you didn’t like, they didn’t call you when promised, and the colour of their shirt is just hideous. Congrats. You convinced yourself again – just look at the evidence you’ve gathered. Oh, and in case you still have any doubts, don’t forget to call your friends – especially the ones who always agree with you no matter what you say. 

But what if you’re missing out on something wonderful? What if your vision is so clouded by made up logic that you’re ultimately pushing away your soulmate? Will you find that closeness and intimacy, that only opening up to someone can bring? True – to fully open up requires to peel off layers of self and become vulnerable. Again. But guess what? You can’t buy a fulfilling relationship in a market stall nor can you store it on a shelf like a book you don’t fancy reading today. Because ‘when I am ready’ may never come so why choose to postpone love?

Or perhaps the relationship itself is wrong. And even if you know it is, why do you try so hard to hold onto someone who’s not for you? What really scares you about closing the door? Surely it can’t be that Instagram photo. 

Don’t fear failed relationships; fear those that you learnt nothing from and kept repeating same patterns over and over again. Because sometimes it’s just about the lesson of truly standing up for yourself, listening to your deepest heart’s desires and saying no. Because sometimes it’s just about learning to love you first.

I am not here to tell you what to do or who to follow, for there’s only one voice you should follow – yours. Because the only way to happiness is to be true to yourself. After all it’s easy to lie to a parent or work colleague and tell them you’re fine, but there is only so long you can lie to yourself. You know the truth – admitting it is the hard part.

Your life will only change when you commit to being true to yourself no matter what. Forget everyone around you. Forget their advice, their opinions and all the good they ever wish for you to experience. Ask yourself – rely on your intuition. Only you, in the depths of your being, know what’s right for you, but you have to choose to live your own truth. This choice is never easy to begin with, but as with everything in life the more you practise the easier it gets.

So stop for a moment and glance back; you’ve been trying to run away from yourself and it hasn’t been easy. How much worse can it be to live with yourself instead? And if you really feel like you don’t know yourself and what you want, then just ask this question: ‘what would someone who loves themselves do?’ Ideally, keep asking this question daily – as many times as is needed: when it comes to food choices (what a wonderful diet advice), how to spend a Sunday afternoon or when you can’t decide whether to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

Teal Swan wrote a powerful blogpost titled ‘365 Days of Self Love’ in which she advises to live by this question for an entire year to learn the true power of self love. This, of course,  requires commitment on your part, but as everything in life worth having – it all starts with saying yes. And remember, magic hides outside your comfort zone.