What’s a Soulmate?

A friend of mine recently said to me, ‘You don’t meet a soulmate, you become soulmates.’ And it rang so true.

Soulmates, what a concept, huh? According to one of the many existing definitions, it means a person who’s ideally suited to another as a friend or romantic partner. Personally, I believe I’ve met soulmates in my lifetime, but it’s not what I’m going to talk here about.

Soooo… if a soulmate is ideally suited to us, let’s say as a romantic partner, then, according to some people, it means that when we meet them our love life will be perfectly mind blowing, because now we’re with the soulmate, right? That one ideal person…

But what if sometimes that soulmate will be an ordinary person at first? What if it takes time to become soulmates? And I hate to spill the beans, but sometimes that person will trigger you more than anyone else. There will be times when you hate their guts and at other times you’ll love them to the moon and back. They’ll hurt you, you’ll hurt them too. Ideals don’t exist, fantasies do.

‘Soulmate’ to me has become somewhat of a cliché recently, mainly because I’ve heard quite a few people saying that there’s this one perfect person who’ll walk into your life and make it all wonderful. Like, seriously? If so, why haven’t they walked in yet? 🤷‍♀️

And even if that one perfect person walked into your life, what if you’re not in the right place to see them? What if you’re looking for non-existent perfection (or just saying it to yourself out of fear) so you can keep yourself safe? And let’s face it, entering a relationship, opening your heart, being vulnerable with someone is not always easy.

It takes two to tango. And let me tell you, in order to become soulmates, to be ideally suited for your partner you still need to put some effort in and do the work. And until you ‘become’ soulmates, you’ll have to go through some discomfort, which can often be challenging. And sometimes it can take months or years to get there.

Through ups and downs, through doubts, through breakups, confusion, boredom, waves of passion and extreme sense of experiencing love in its romantic notion as well as unconditional, spiritual love. What I’m saying is that relationships take time and effort.

And sometimes the more open you become to someone the stronger gets the desire to run away. And no, you won’t tell yourself, ‘I’m scared of commitment’ or ‘I’m scared because it’s getting real’… Instead you’ll be looking at what’s wrong with the person and tick off a mental checklist of why you can’t be with them. Because running away is easy, right? Especially if you’ve done it quite a few times before. Because that’s what fear makes us do. And what we already know feels so damn comfortable.

You’ll say to yourself that someone is not the right fit for you, that you’re better off by searching for someone else, aka perfection. Except that you may never find it, because searching for love, just as everything else in life is a pattern.

Just look at your past relationships, how many of them started off perfectly yet ended up exactly the same? People say that faces change, but situations are the same. Do you ever wonder why?

John De Martini ran a webinar on relationships and he was talking about the reflection of ownership of traits. He went on to say that people always discover that they have never seen a trait in others that they haven’t owned. Basically, you have every trait and to live in the fantasy that you’re good whilst another person is bad is delusional. So, if you judge your partner for certain traits that they display, look for the very same traits within yourself. Of course, it’s easy to point fingers at others, surely much easier than looking at ourselves, but by judging others we won’t get very far.

So, what’s the cure I hear you ask? Knowing yourself deeply is A cure. All of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. Not just acknowledging how you feel or what you think, because thoughts and feelings will often be swayed by your perception. But really looking above and beyond into your psyche and doing the necessary work. Learning to recognise how you sabotage yourself, what patterns you’ve created and how those patterns have been driving your behaviour. Oh, and stories you tell yourself daily, they matter too.

If you’re in a good relationship don’t give up when things get tough, work on it, communicate with your partner. And yes, sometimes the two of you will be on different wavelengths of communication, because we’re the most complex creatures ever. Some people will be able to see right through you, yet some will see whatever they want to see, depending on their level of awareness amongst many other things.

Because we see the world through our own lenses, which are very unique for everybody, misunderstandings will be very common. And for that reason, open communication is a lifesaver here. Learn how to talk. Risk to be misunderstood even more, make close friends with vulnerability and talk about your deepest fears and your biggest dreams. And sometimes you’ll have to walk away, especially if you’ve tried everything and it still hasn’t worked. And don’t ever think that your time has been wasted. Anything that led you closer to your own heart is not a waste of time. 💖

And that is how, my friends, conscious relationships are made. I stress ‘conscious’, because nowadays there are a lot of fun, surface type of relationships too. You know, the ones where you just get together and have fun. Or the ones where you just want it all to be super easy and when conflict arises and things don’t work out you move on.

This is not to say that I don’t believe in soulmates. I most certainly do. I just don’t believe in the deluded romantic notion of it. I also believe in becoming your own soulmate first, but I’ll write about that in another post.

And if someone here has had a super easy flowing conscious relationship right from the start please enlighten me. Maybe perfection does exist after all.alvin-mahmudov-619847-unsplash


Pretty Lies

In a moment of icy crystal like clarity
My wounded heart was beating so loud, in a dusky restaurant,
I was afraid that he would hear it and ask about the wide eyed look and rose-pink hot-flushed cheeks
When suddenly I saw my own fear infused, ever expanding, like a stain of blue ink on a white satin sheet, insanity.
What I was trying to achieve, perhaps not what, but how, it startled me, stabbed me to my core with a pair of cold, stainless steel scissors
By betraying my own tired heart, by going for something that has never been true for me which I knew right from the tangled-web-like start;
I hurt myself like a bird fallen from the sky that didn’t spread its wings and violently crashed to the cemented ground.
This wasn’t a life anymore, but pretty lies to me, my soul and I.
Running from my own truth. Lacking the courage to ignite a fire in my jaded heart. Not allowing myself to believe, not allowing to love.
Except that the lies weren’t pretty anymore.
And even though, out of marmite ridden guilt or maybe fear, I’ve still tried, the convincing, ghostly blindness which used to be my friend,
Didn’t have that hypnotic power over me anymore as much.
The truth has pierced its eyes wide open. It made me feel the flowery drops of dew in early morning on my thirsty skin. It’s slowly steered me towards a clearing in the bleak and shapeless day, perhaps it’s impelled me in the direction of love.
I was left alone. Again. To figure things out.
To choose yet another voyager sailboat in the stormy ocean, no, not even on solid ground.
Well, either that or stick to something that I’ve known – the pretty lies. The ones that I’ve been using to betray my own heart.
And all I needed to realise the truth was a conversation with the perfect stranger in a candlelit restaurant with casual yet stylish deco,
Where waiters smile at you and treat you like a king;
In the city restaurant filled with hope and expectations, of multiple hearts looking for home – to belong, to feel safe, to run wild and to accept themselves.
The arrogant stranger who shook me to my core, I thank him.
He tossed a shiny golden coin onto darkest ground and disappeared into his granite castle. And in that way he’s perfect. Never to be seen again yet never forgotten.
I picked up the coin with my cold, trembling hands and promised to my heart that I’d pay the price to listen to my soul until the language that it speaks to me feels finally like home.

When the Heart is Cut

It’s so easy to keep the heart closed and to believe that in doing so we will protect it from any future pain and hurt. But, what really happens, that assumed protection is exactly what ends up hurting us even more. What is life without love?

When the heart is closed, we live in fear and are focused on avoiding pain, and as many of us know, focus creates reality. We rush, we run, we distract ourselves with busy lifestyles, just to avoid emotions, and so it becomes harder and harder to acknowledge and accept how we really feel.

When the heart is closed, love can’t flow through, and when we deny love to others, we also deny it to ourselves. Without self love we can’t truly flourish, and life then, often, loses real meaning.

Yet, there’s only so long you can run away from yourself. The ice has to crack one day. Face what has happened to you, allow yourself to feel, however painful it may be, and choose to keep the heart open. Pain doesn’t last forever, love does. And, most importantly, you get to choose what emotions you give the power to.

I came across this beautiful poem, by Michael Leunig, in one of my favourite restaurants last night. Considering that it was in the dessert menu, all I can say is that life is sweet. 🌸🌍🌻🦋

When the heart
Is cut or cracked or broken,
Do not clutch it;
Let the wound lie open.
Let the wind
From the good old sea blow in
To bathe the wound with salt,
And let it sting.
Let a stray dog lick it,
Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell,
And let it ring.

How to Get and Keep a Guy 

I keep seeing posts addressed to women and titled something like, ‘He won’t leave you if you do this’, ‘How to get and keep a guy’, ‘What men like in a woman’ etc. Really? How about being yourself and standing in your power in relation to men? 

There’s nothing more beautiful than a woman knowing who she is and being cool about it, even with all her so called flaws. I mean, come on, we all have an ego and nobody is perfect. While such articles can be interesting to read or even amusing sometimes, it often sends a message of what women need to do in order to be approved, loved even, by men.

So here’s my message: don’t be afraid to be who you are. If someone leaves you because they don’t like all of you, let them. But don’t mould yourself into a doll, don’t make it all about ‘him’ just so you could keep a guy. There are plenty of brilliant men out there; the more you stand in your power and go for what’s important to you, the more likely you are to meet someone where you can be perfectly yourself.

That is not to say that relationships do not require any effort, they do. But what determines the success of a relationship is where you are coming from: do you try to ‘please’ him and do what a good partner ‘should do’ because you’re afraid of losing him or do you consciously choose to put effort in to make your relationship as great as it can be? In other words, are you acting out of fear or love?

From The Short Ramblings Series: Communication in Relationships

Communication by far is one of the most important things in a relationship. Needless to say, it goes hand in hand with vulnerability. Contrary to popular belief, vulnerability is power, not a form of weakness. Why? Because it takes a lot of strength to overcome your ego and not only admit to yourself, but also to another person that perhaps you are afraid, have insecurities, feel lost or somehow incomplete.

People generally believe that they can’t be truthful and need to manipulate or impress others, or that being themselves is somehow not viable or even dangerous. Yet there’s nothing more powerful than being real, expressing yourself and owning your heart.

See, I was one of those people who were afraid to be open up and liked to stay in control. Yet it never led me anywhere nice, or worth being, for that matter. Only when, with a trembling voice and shaking hands at times, I got deep, really deep… only then I witnessed magic.

I find it so beautiful and humble when a person can truly open up and talk about their feelings, fears and desires. When we communicate from that space, connection deepens, falseness falls off and miracles happen. I love what Gay Hendricks wrote in is his book ‘The Big Leap’:

‘There are several ways we limit positive energy in relationships. One is by starting arguments, out of fear of intimacy, at times when we could be exchanging intimacy. Another is by withholding significant communications. We get scared of being close, for example, and instead of telling the microscopic truth about it (“My belly felt tight and my skin contracted when I heard you say…”), we withdraw and swallow the communication. Another way we limit positive energy is by needing to control or dominate the other person (or needing to be controlled or dominated). If we always have to be right, for example, there is no room in the relationship to be happy.’

Happy communication folks. Stay true to yourselves. Stay powerful.


New Relationship. Should I Stay or Should I Go?

A new relationship. Nice beginning, first few months of smooth sailing and boom – you have an argument. Things were said, a door was slammed, someone stormed out, someone fired an insult. As the relationship is fairly new you have no idea where you stand. In fact, you still might be questioning yourself if you were ready for that relationship in the first place. So what do you do now? You’re scared to lose them, but you’re equally scared to feel like you’re messing up again. And what on earth will you tell your friends, especially after posting that loved up shot on Instagram last week.

A battle of injured egoic perception of self against the battle of your true essence. You know who you are and you know your partner is a good person. You know that on a deeper level we are all connected and, as souls, everyone is equally beautiful. But you have also lived with your personality traits, beliefs and habits for so long that it’s damn hard to separate the made up identity, aka ‘the saboteur monkey’, from the real you.

And if you ask yourself, ‘Who am I really?’ and start de-constructing those false beliefs you will find dark bits, sadness, deep wounds, pain, lack of self worth, anger and rage which all stem from past experiences. It doesn’t matter how well you cover it up – we all have darkness inside. It’s just a part of being human. Even in nature – as night follows day; the rain follows sunshine.

Wounded? That can’t be you, right? Things are going wrong so maybe the person you’re with is the one who has issues and cannot understand you. Let me ask you something; can you understand yourself? Are you willing to work on yourself, to transform your character, to be more accepting and forgiving towards yourself and others? Are you ready to really get to know and love all aspects of you? As Carl Jung (a Swiss psychiatrist often called one of the most controversial psychological theorists) so rightly put, “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

Looking inside your shadow and fully accepting yourself for who you are will  be one of the most difficult things you ever do. An old idea of self, expired beliefs and past experiences will often haunt you and threaten to take away sanity and pieces of happiness you still possess. It is easy to advise someone else what to do; how to raise kids, how to solve problems with their partner and how to live, really. Yet when it comes to ourselves we are often clueless, confused and can’t seem to find the way forward. 

When faced with choice, especially around relationships, it’s so easy to act childlike and throw a tantrum so just you don’t have to admit to yourself that you are scared and would rather sabotage the relationship. So you find excuses: long hours at work, crazy training regime, time consuming hobbies and no way you could commit to someone, as you do not have the time, right?

And then you look for supporting evidence: your partner said something you didn’t like, they didn’t call you when promised, and the colour of their shirt is just hideous. Congrats. You convinced yourself again – just look at the evidence you’ve gathered. Oh, and in case you still have any doubts, don’t forget to call your friends – especially the ones who always agree with you no matter what you say. 

But what if you’re missing out on something wonderful? What if your vision is so clouded by made up logic that you’re ultimately pushing away your soulmate? Will you find that closeness and intimacy, that only opening up to someone can bring? True – to fully open up requires to peel off layers of self and become vulnerable. Again. But guess what? You can’t buy a fulfilling relationship in a market stall nor can you store it on a shelf like a book you don’t fancy reading today. Because ‘when I am ready’ may never come so why choose to postpone love?

Or perhaps the relationship itself is wrong. And even if you know it is, why do you try so hard to hold onto someone who’s not for you? What really scares you about closing the door? Surely it can’t be that Instagram photo. 

Don’t fear failed relationships; fear those that you learnt nothing from and kept repeating same patterns over and over again. Because sometimes it’s just about the lesson of truly standing up for yourself, listening to your deepest heart’s desires and saying no. Because sometimes it’s just about learning to love you first.

I am not here to tell you what to do or who to follow, for there’s only one voice you should follow – yours. Because the only way to happiness is to be true to yourself. After all it’s easy to lie to a parent or work colleague and tell them you’re fine, but there is only so long you can lie to yourself. You know the truth – admitting it is the hard part.

Your life will only change when you commit to being true to yourself no matter what. Forget everyone around you. Forget their advice, their opinions and all the good they ever wish for you to experience. Ask yourself – rely on your intuition. Only you, in the depths of your being, know what’s right for you, but you have to choose to live your own truth. This choice is never easy to begin with, but as with everything in life the more you practise the easier it gets.

So stop for a moment and glance back; you’ve been trying to run away from yourself and it hasn’t been easy. How much worse can it be to live with yourself instead? And if you really feel like you don’t know yourself and what you want, then just ask this question: ‘what would someone who loves themselves do?’ Ideally, keep asking this question daily – as many times as is needed: when it comes to food choices (what a wonderful diet advice), how to spend a Sunday afternoon or when you can’t decide whether to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

Teal Swan wrote a powerful blogpost titled ‘365 Days of Self Love’ in which she advises to live by this question for an entire year to learn the true power of self love. This, of course,  requires commitment on your part, but as everything in life worth having – it all starts with saying yes. And remember, magic hides outside your comfort zone.