Open Heart

I wrote this poem a while ago, but I’ve been too afraid to post it. Simply, because it’s too open and so personal at the same time. Heck, I even get emotional when I read it now. I don’t even write poems very often, but when I do I post them on my blog (at least the ones that are complete anyway).  But here’s what happened… I wanted to read it and I couldn’t find it. And it upset me tremendously, for reasons that I don’t even understand. And then I found it in an archived WhatsApp message sent to Mr Someone himself.

So here’s the thing. Creativity and self-expression both go hand in hand. Because every time you create something you invest a piece of your heart. At least I do.  And it just so happens that I’ve chosen a path of the creative. And that requires vulnerability and living with an open heart. So regardless of how I feel, I want it to be on my blog, where it belongs, together with my other poems. Because it’s not just about him, it’s also about me and self-expression.  It’s something that I invested my time, emotions and my heart into. Regardless of its quality or relevance to what is happening in my life right now, it is my creation and I choose to let it out into the open.  All creations should be out there, really.

And my message to you is this: do not hold yourself back. Excitement, passion and imagination do not live there. And when you deprive yourself of self-expression and imagination, life feels bleak and monotonous. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what others think about you or how deep into your soul they see. They do not live your life, you do. So choose to be vulnerable, again and again. And always choose love, even if it feels like your heart has been broken a million times. Most importantly, choose to be true to yourself and follow your heart. I promise, it will certainly take you places.

Letting Go

I think of you when I can’t fall asleep at night.
Or can’t I fall asleep because I think of you?
I long for your touch. Your smell.
Your strong arms around me.
Your smile in the morning and a twinkle
in your eye when you wake up next to me.

I thought love would fade, but it hasn’t.
I didn’t know I could love you this much.
Regardless of what had happened between us,
You’re still the one that I love.

When you left, the world felt strange,
because someone so dear to me wasn’t there anymore.
I kept telling myself that we’re wrong for each other
and that you didn’t feel what I felt anyway.

I tried to convince myself that I didn’t feel
what I’ve felt for you either.
Only god knows how many nights I cried and
told myself it would be the last time.
Yet, lying to myself didn’t stop me from feeling
So I had to learn how to accept love
and all that followed with that.

Love. Loss. Pain. Anger. Confusion.
Guilt. Blame… to name just a few.
So many memories just kept emerging
And, god, I struggled profusely to let go of them.
Yet, sometimes I’d detach from feeling completely
and lived like an emotionless shell.

But letting go is inevitable I guess.
And so is being connected to love.
And loving someone whether you’re with them or not,
despite the distance between you, the circumstance
and even the past… It’s beautiful. And liberating.
I guess it shows who you are.

I’m so content when I see you… it scares me.
I’m always nervous and a little afraid to see you again.
I realise that our closeness and connection are strong:
it’s like the ever burning fire between us,
but it burns our hearts too.

Two forces. Inside me.
They fight between themselves and they keep telling me things.
One says to run, to forget you and to never look back,
but the other one tells me to always choose love.

It’s time. It’s time to move on and let go again.
I don’t expect anything nor do I ask you to give what you can’t.
But I’ll say one thing: there’s a lot of beauty inside you
and I will always be grateful for having experienced that.

The last time I saw you it was a wonderful gift.
Exciting, yet so emotional, maybe because
it felt like our final goodbye.
No fights or arguments, just two people
spending time together and feeling each other’s hearts.

I wonder, when did it really end?
When did we stop talking to each other
and decided to leave so many words unsaid?
What happened to openness, to trusting each other
and speaking from our hearts?
What happened to working things out?
What happened to our love?

Yet here I am again, letting you go…
Because it takes two people to build something,
because it takes two people to choose.

I wanted to talk to you, but I was afraid that I’d lose it
and I guess you’ve been going through some memories too.
So here’s my poem, merely expressing what I wanted to tell you
and, finally, letting myself to walk away too.

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A Fellow Londoner

Have you ever looked at a stranger and felt like you really want to talk to them? Have you? And how often has fear taken over?

It makes me think of the many times I’ve spotted people (especially on the tube) that I would have liked to connect with, but did’t dare to open my mouth. Why? Because of fear, of course. You know, just in case they don’t respond, laugh at me or look at me like I’m a complete nutter. And just think of all those masses of people in the same carriage who will get to see it! That’s pretty scary, right?

There have been, however, some other times when I did overcome the resistance and said hello, which led to some interesting conversations, laughs, book recommendations, feeling that we all are connected and some pleasant memories. So in light of these recollections here’s my latest poem.

Oh fellow Londoner, who are you?
Where are you going this misty morning?
I see your face so very often, on central line,
Ah, that mundane London underground commuter’s journey.

As you looked down at your phone on Monday, I saw you smile.
Was it a message from your loved one?
Or did you see a funny joke on Facebook
posted by one of your five hundred friends?

On Tuesday you seemed stressed.
Was it how you really felt?
Or was your face just a reflection

of what’s going on in my own life?

On Friday you looked up at me and smiled;
I thought you’d say hello but we both, I guess, were shy.
I often wonder why? I’d sensed we would have enjoyed a chat, yet
we avoided connection and gave in to fear.

Fear speaks to me – it has a voice.
That haunting voice, in my head, it often tells me things.
‘Stay quiet, as you may get rejected. What will people say?
They will judge. Don’t you know your place?’

Ah, but hold on. I’ve heard it all before.
Sounds just like my dad and mama teaching me to how to be in life.
There’s being good and bad, doing what you’re expected, and not talking back.

We grow up, but are we ever told that we’re not children anymore?
So when do we stop identifying with what we’re not allowed?
Oh fellow Londoner, next time we meet I hope we’ll speak.
Perhaps a brief exchange, a polite hello or maybe this encounter will lead to something more?

To find out we’ll have to overcome that gripping fear,
Risk to be ridiculed and open our hearts.
Possibilities in life are truly limitless – I know, letting go is tough, yet
vulnerability offers rewards far beyond what you and I could ever grasp.

What is Love?

‘What is love?’ I quietly ask myself
When I sit on a window ledge in my bedroom at night.
The older I get the more answers seem to emerge;
Full moon has mesmerized me and I feel its mysterious pull yet again.

When I was a young child I learned to love my family, my dog and my friends;
Most of all I loved my imagination which seemed to be wild, pure and hardly contained.
Laying down on my back in a meadow I would gaze at clouds with ever growing wonder;
I built castles in the sky and jumped from one cloud onto another.

I used to see creatures: a dragon, a rabbit, a prince and his lover,
Fairies and birds chasing each other.
My heart would be filled with joy and innocent laughter
Until grandma would call me for lunch, oh how could she be so distracting?

As everything passes and changes in nature
And so I grew into someone more responsible and older.
I kept my natural curiosity though, childishness and wonder
And roamed free in a forest with animals so close to my nature.

School and teenage years taught me silly romance:
Daydreaming, wanting to connect and hold hands.
Did I really love a boy when I was so young?
Or was it just a concept picked up from mum’s books and TV programmes?

And when I got older I thought I knew what real love was:
Meeting someone, getting infatuated and question if that was enough.
There would be something missing so deep inside
Yet I didn’t know how to fill it so let romance take care of that.

I wasn’t aware of consciousness, of us all being one yet
So I kept looking outside of myself for happiness.
I wondered why this love thing didn’t last, didn’t give what I craved
And I heard in the night silent whisper, ‘it’s because you have to find it within’.

So self-love then became an alien concept;
Why is it so easy to love others even when they make mistakes?
Why am I so hard on myself and feel lost in constant self-criticism and blame?
And what does it mean that people, I am close with, are mirror aspects of me?

And then years of learning, reflection, growth and self-discovery took place;
I and self-love have finally made it – we are now friends.
I want to hold hands with all aspects of me: my ego, my sadness and my destiny.
And as I reflect back on my life I realise that I’ve had it all along:
My soul – it’s pure love and it’s never been lost.

Simplicity is often the key – calm down the mind, look around and make peace with yourself.
Accept where you are yet keep dreaming, trust your intuition and follow its wisdom.
Take necessary steps and remember – the force is with you;
As long as you have enough courage to face inner shadows it will take you where you belong.

 

Believe in Yourself

When you believe in yourself you’re charged with positive vibes.
No goals seem unachievable and wherever you look you see sparks.
Yet life isn’t always like that – it can hit you hard with a brick;
It will crush dreams, inner peace and your vision,
But just take one step back and remember: you gotta hold that belief.
When you walk through life you will fall down and stumble,
But in the end what determines your journey, will be, how bright was your light.
So dare to be brave, open, unique. Believe in yourself – reach for your dreams.
Seek for help and ask questions, but remember: the real power lies deep within.
You’re the light and the darkness. You are me. I am you.
So be your own love, be your shadow; raise consciousness and always be you.