There’s a quote which reads, “People can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves.” And going into depths of your own being perhaps is the most important thing in life. After all, how do you know who you are if you haven’t met yourself yet? How often do you question your beliefs, perception, ideas, decisions? Do they serve you? Do you even know where they come from? How often do you sit alone in silence and listen to your own inner voice?
See, there was a time when I lived my life pretty blindly – just went along with it thinking that this is how it is. I had pretty fixed definitions of myself, people in my life and the world. I felt stuck and yet I never dared to doubt what I saw around me. It was reality, right? Well, of course it was. My perceived reality.
Having come across some powerful metaphysical teachings I changed, thankfully. I am no longer stuck in the same paradigm, no longer so strongly held in a prison created by my own limited thinking. I question myself every day – and the more questions I ask the more answers seem to emerge. They don’t always please me. In fact, it can be the exact opposite – quite often I’m taken aback by what’s stored in my mind. Yet, you see, it’s important to ask myself. Because if I don’t, then how do I know what I think? It sounds pretty obvious but it’s not.
You can even try this for yourself by asking questions such as, ‘What do I really think about myself? Who am I? What do I really think about men/women/having children/money?’ And the key, then, is to go with the first answer you get instinctively from your unconscious mind. You’ll be surprised but very often it is not what you consciously think. And those answers can be used to explore what caused such thinking in the first place.
As I changed, the world around me shifted, moved, changed its form. Long gone are fixed definitions – they’ve become dynamic. I no longer identify with the girl I used to be. I have grown to be a woman. It’s been a tough journey – quite challenging, yet so liberating and rewarding at the same time.
One of the most important lessons on this journey was allowing myself to feel – like truly feel and not need to suppress my emotions and desires anymore. Some emotions and feelings still scare me – it’s forceful and powerful, and so, I’m not sure if I can control it when I let it loose. Yet I know, if held in, it will cause a lot more trouble in the form of depression, illness and chaos around me so I don’t listen to that fear anymore.
I’ve learnt to express myself and state what I want. Not because I should or should not want something based on where I am in life, not even because I need it, but purely because I would love to have it. There’s no other reason – it is that simple. If you truly want something in your heart, why not say it out loud? There will always be those who object no matter what you say, yet there will be those who will listen, resonate with it and will see the world as you see it.
So what does it actually mean to be a woman? To me it’s not about becoming someone I’m not, not about having a perfect body, not about being an ideal mum and many more of so perceived should be’s. It’s actually about unbecoming everything I have become so that I can be my true self. It’s about letting go of everything I know and learning to see the magic in the world again.
To me, to be a woman is to be free. To free myself of so long held perception of what I’m expected to do or how I should act. Freeing myself of stuck beliefs made up in childhood, accepting and loving myself for who I am. Being a woman is about rawness and wilderness, passion, sensuality, vulnerability, immense power seeking to erupt and a vast understanding of life and people around me.
So long I was trying to be perfect, did what I thought I should do if I wanted to ‘make it’ in life. But the veil of illusion has come down. I don’t want to be perfect anymore – all I want to do now is just be myself.
Is it always easy? Hell no. Standing up for myself in every situation, owning my voice, saying no to what no longer serves me and sometimes walking away from people I love. Not because I stop loving them, no. But because they fail to see the woman I have become. And because staying sometimes doesn’t serve my truth. Perhaps the girl I used to be would stay. And why? Because she strongly identified with her feelings and didn’t know any better. Because she thought that what she was told by someone else somehow defined her. Because she thought that she couldn’t make it on her own.
But the woman in me is a powerful creature. She’s knowledgeable. She knows that feelings are not always real. She knows that thoughts are often recollections of her past experiences and have little to do with what’s going on in each given moment. Because she’s learnt how to rely on her intuition and be true to herself. Because she accepted the fact that following her heart will involve a lot of tension which often won’t feel comfortable yet she’s okay with that.
See, she’s not looking for comfort, perfect life or peace either. Because she just wants to be herself. She wants to create. She wants to express her passion, her desires and her truth. Because she has found her power when she connected to her heart. Perhaps some will never understand it, and maybe she won’t even bother explaining anymore. And men, when you meet a woman you will recognise her. And to truly get to know and handle her, sometimes the boy in you will have to die.