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I love beautiful sunny days and I love rain. Both evoke different emotions and allow me to get in touch with different parts of myself. Sometimes I only choose to feel the sun on my skin while at other times the rain will penetrate my soul. The truth is – I choose how deep to go. The same is with emotions; we either let them briefly touch us on the surface while some of them shake us so deeply that after certain experiences we are never ever the same.

Sunrays and Shadows is about following your inner voice and being true to yourself. It’s about self-growth, fun, connection, love, relationships, mess-ups and all sorts of experiences that make us imperfectly perfect human.

Inga

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What’s a Soulmate?

A friend of mine recently said to me, ‘You don’t meet a soulmate, you become soulmates.’ And it rang so true.

Soulmates, what a concept, huh? According to one of the many existing definitions, it means a person who’s ideally suited to another as a friend or romantic partner. Personally, I believe I’ve met soulmates in my lifetime, but it’s not what I’m going to talk here about.

Soooo… if a soulmate is ideally suited to us, let’s say as a romantic partner, then, according to some people, it means that when we meet them our love life will be perfectly mind blowing, because now we’re with the soulmate, right? That one ideal person…

But what if sometimes that soulmate will be an ordinary person at first? What if it takes time to become soulmates? And I hate to spill the beans, but sometimes that person will trigger you more than anyone else. There will be times when you hate their guts and at other times you’ll love them to the moon and back. They’ll hurt you, you’ll hurt them too. Ideals don’t exist, fantasies do.

‘Soulmate’ to me has become somewhat of a cliché recently, mainly because I’ve heard quite a few people saying that there’s this one perfect person who’ll walk into your life and make it all wonderful. Like, seriously? If so, why haven’t they walked in yet? 🤷‍♀️

And even if that one perfect person walked into your life, what if you’re not in the right place to see them? What if you’re looking for non-existent perfection (or just saying it to yourself out of fear) so you can keep yourself safe? And let’s face it, entering a relationship, opening your heart, being vulnerable with someone is not always easy.

It takes two to tango. And let me tell you, in order to become soulmates, to be ideally suited for your partner you still need to put some effort in and do the work. And until you ‘become’ soulmates, you’ll have to go through some discomfort, which can often be challenging. And sometimes it can take months or years to get there.

Through ups and downs, through doubts, through breakups, confusion, boredom, waves of passion and extreme sense of experiencing love in its romantic notion as well as unconditional, spiritual love. What I’m saying is that relationships take time and effort.

And sometimes the more open you become to someone the stronger gets the desire to run away. And no, you won’t tell yourself, ‘I’m scared of commitment’ or ‘I’m scared because it’s getting real’… Instead you’ll be looking at what’s wrong with the person and tick off a mental checklist of why you can’t be with them. Because running away is easy, right? Especially if you’ve done it quite a few times before. Because that’s what fear makes us do. And what we already know feels so damn comfortable.

You’ll say to yourself that someone is not the right fit for you, that you’re better off by searching for someone else, aka perfection. Except that you may never find it, because searching for love, just as everything else in life is a pattern.

Just look at your past relationships, how many of them started off perfectly yet ended up exactly the same? People say that faces change, but situations are the same. Do you ever wonder why?

John De Martini ran a webinar on relationships and he was talking about the reflection of ownership of traits. He went on to say that people always discover that they have never seen a trait in others that they haven’t owned. Basically, you have every trait and to live in the fantasy that you’re good whilst another person is bad is delusional. So, if you judge your partner for certain traits that they display, look for the very same traits within yourself. Of course, it’s easy to point fingers at others, surely much easier than looking at ourselves, but by judging others we won’t get very far.

So, what’s the cure I hear you ask? Knowing yourself deeply is A cure. All of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. Not just acknowledging how you feel or what you think, because thoughts and feelings will often be swayed by your perception. But really looking above and beyond into your psyche and doing the necessary work. Learning to recognise how you sabotage yourself, what patterns you’ve created and how those patterns have been driving your behaviour. Oh, and stories you tell yourself daily, they matter too.

If you’re in a good relationship don’t give up when things get tough, work on it, communicate with your partner. And yes, sometimes the two of you will be on different wavelengths of communication, because we’re the most complex creatures ever. Some people will be able to see right through you, yet some will see whatever they want to see, depending on their level of awareness amongst many other things.

Because we see the world through our own lenses, which are very unique for everybody, misunderstandings will be very common. And for that reason, open communication is a lifesaver here. Learn how to talk. Risk to be misunderstood even more, make close friends with vulnerability and talk about your deepest fears and your biggest dreams. And sometimes you’ll have to walk away, especially if you’ve tried everything and it still hasn’t worked. And don’t ever think that your time has been wasted. Anything that led you closer to your own heart is not a waste of time. 💖

And that is how, my friends, conscious relationships are made. I stress ‘conscious’, because nowadays there are a lot of fun, surface type of relationships too. You know, the ones where you just get together and have fun. Or the ones where you just want it all to be super easy and when conflict arises and things don’t work out you move on.

This is not to say that I don’t believe in soulmates. I most certainly do. I just don’t believe in the deluded romantic notion of it. I also believe in becoming your own soulmate first, but I’ll write about that in another post.

And if someone here has had a super easy flowing conscious relationship right from the start please enlighten me. Maybe perfection does exist after all.alvin-mahmudov-619847-unsplash

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