A Woman

What does she see when she looks in the mirror?
A wanderer or a lost soul?
Uncontrollable passion that hasn’t been expressed
Or wild dreams and big hopes she wishes to live, but hasn’t dared to yet?
She feels inky shadows and pain; they seem real and they haunt her.
They’re not real – they were made up, years ago, to protect her.
She sees them, she feels them – she goes back in time along tracks of memory where they can be found.
She sees the same woman, but not grown up yet – she’s a little baby
creating definitions of the world around her.
She meets her reflection – a warrior who loves to explore,
who enjoys laughter and freedom, makes choices and isn’t afraid anymore.
She smiles at herself, because she knows now – her heart is much stronger
than the memories her mind has been holding on for too long.
So who is she? A mother? A lover? A daughter? A child who’s afraid to grow up?
The more she lets people know her, the more they love her for her;
She’s a sacred and never fully understood mysterious language of gods,
a turbulent gust of cold air, she’s a fire, and the calm after a storm in the sea.
But more so than anything, she’s the master of her own infinite creative power and beautiful feminine essence designed to connect with the gods.

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Pretty Lies

In a moment of icy crystal like clarity
My wounded heart was beating so loud, in a dusky restaurant,
I was afraid that he would hear it and ask about the wide eyed look and rose-pink hot-flushed cheeks
When suddenly I saw my own fear infused, ever expanding, like a stain of blue ink on a white satin sheet, insanity.
What I was trying to achieve, perhaps not what, but how, it startled me, stabbed me to my core with a pair of cold, stainless steel scissors
By betraying my own tired heart, by going for something that has never been true for me which I knew right from the tangled-web-like start;
I hurt myself like a bird fallen from the sky that didn’t spread its wings and violently crashed to the cemented ground.
This wasn’t a life anymore, but pretty lies to me, my soul and I.
Running from my own truth. Lacking the courage to ignite a fire in my jaded heart. Not allowing myself to believe, not allowing to love.
Except that the lies weren’t pretty anymore.
And even though, out of marmite ridden guilt or maybe fear, I’ve still tried, the convincing, ghostly blindness which used to be my friend,
Didn’t have that hypnotic power over me anymore as much.
The truth has pierced its eyes wide open. It made me feel the flowery drops of dew in early morning on my thirsty skin. It’s slowly steered me towards a clearing in the bleak and shapeless day, perhaps it’s impelled me in the direction of love.
I was left alone. Again. To figure things out.
To choose yet another voyager sailboat in the stormy ocean, no, not even on solid ground.
Well, either that or stick to something that I’ve known – the pretty lies. The ones that I’ve been using to betray my own heart.
And all I needed to realise the truth was a conversation with the perfect stranger in a candlelit restaurant with casual yet stylish deco,
Where waiters smile at you and treat you like a king;
In the city restaurant filled with hope and expectations, of multiple hearts looking for home – to belong, to feel safe, to run wild and to accept themselves.
The arrogant stranger who shook me to my core, I thank him.
He tossed a shiny golden coin onto darkest ground and disappeared into his granite castle. And in that way he’s perfect. Never to be seen again yet never forgotten.
I picked up the coin with my cold, trembling hands and promised to my heart that I’d pay the price to listen to my soul until the language that it speaks to me feels finally like home.

The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction and focusing on the positive – something that many people talk about nowadays. And it often can be great, but what most people don’t realise is that they also need to deal with what’s in their unconscious mind (limiting beliefs/assumptions and perception formed in line with the beliefs). In other words, it’s what they’re telling themselves just beneath the level of conscious awareness.

And because belief creates reality until it’s brought into conscious awareness it will shape a lot in one’s life – often in such subtle ways that it will be hard to spot it at first. It’s important to know that the more you focus on what you want the more your unconscious beliefs get triggered, and so, two very different forces are at play.

Very often, what may appear as bad luck or unfortunate circumstance is nothing more than us creating our reality, unconsciously, yet not even being aware that we do it. If you really want to experience life to its fullest depths please do yourself a favour and get to know yourself. And no, it won’t always be pleasant, but nothing will make you more awake and empowered. Because only when you know what you believe about yourself, others and the world, only then you can do something about it.

Many of us are afraid to admit to ourselves or others when things aren’t great in life, because we believe that we need to maintain the mask of perfection and that we’ll be rejected if we show our true selves. But is it true? Or is it what we’re telling ourselves?

Don’t wait for a better tomorrow to come. You’re a powerful creator and it really is possible to experience what you’ve only dreamed of for so long. Regardless of whether you’ve created great achievements or a lot of pain and failure, the key point is that you’re always the one who creates your reality. And choosing what we create, as any other skill, can be learnt and used to a great extent. 🌟🌎🌗💖

When the Heart is Cut

It’s so easy to keep the heart closed and to believe that in doing so we will protect it from any future pain and hurt. But, what really happens, that assumed protection is exactly what ends up hurting us even more. What is life without love?

When the heart is closed, we live in fear and are focused on avoiding pain, and as many of us know, focus creates reality. We rush, we run, we distract ourselves with busy lifestyles, just to avoid emotions, and so it becomes harder and harder to acknowledge and accept how we really feel.

When the heart is closed, love can’t flow through, and when we deny love to others, we also deny it to ourselves. Without self love we can’t truly flourish, and life then, often, loses real meaning.

Yet, there’s only so long you can run away from yourself. The ice has to crack one day. Face what has happened to you, allow yourself to feel, however painful it may be, and choose to keep the heart open. Pain doesn’t last forever, love does. And, most importantly, you get to choose what emotions you give the power to.

I came across this beautiful poem, by Michael Leunig, in one of my favourite restaurants last night. Considering that it was in the dessert menu, all I can say is that life is sweet. 🌸🌍🌻🦋

When the heart
Is cut or cracked or broken,
Do not clutch it;
Let the wound lie open.
Let the wind
From the good old sea blow in
To bathe the wound with salt,
And let it sting.
Let a stray dog lick it,
Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell,
And let it ring.

Elena’s Story

I met a woman yesterday (let’s call her Elena) and she shared an incredible story. I’ll tell you a little shorter version of it, but tell you I must.
 
Elena has had some heart complications for most of her life; and one time, in the presence of her mother, she went into cardiac arrest. The mother was crying and shouting that her daughter was dead, and she kept telling Elena that she loved her and was asking her not to go.

Elena remembered hearing her mother’s words and by the time her mother had said, ‘love’ for the 3rd time, in her unconscious state, Elena suddenly saw a tall column of bright white light with lots of number sequences in it, moving at incredible speed. And that column of light flowed into her heart and Elena regained consciousness. She described what she experienced as ‘god’.

The story made me think of two things: 

1. There’s no more powerful force than love 
2. There’s light in each and every one of us

So let go of past pains and disappointments, don’t hold onto memories which you cannot change. Stop going back and thinking about what could have been done differently. Even if you’re hurt, connect to what’s higher in people and even if you cannot love, at least acknowledge and appreciate that part of them and, most importantly, let go. Because the person transformed by that experience will be you. Because you deserve to be free. 

What’s yours will always find you, but the key is to be open enough to receive it.  What we want most is often within arms reach, but we’re so blinded by our ego that we refuse to see it. So ask yourself, what is it that you truly want, but are not allowing yourself to have it? And remember, we’re infinitely loved and guided. We are love. ♥️

A Letter to Love

Love, you strange thing… You come uninvited, I don’t even know how.
Yet when you leave, the absence of you hits like a snowstorm, I feel icy cold.
I deny you. I run from myself until I hit an empty black bottomless hole.

In the ground. It’s dark.
My heart cries for you, yet I’m overwhelmed by emotion – it’s fear.
I hide.
I’m so fused with fright that I don’t know where it ends and where I begin.

But, “It’s time”, I hear your faint whisper;
“To embrace courage and wake up from this dream”.
I look up and I wonder, “Oh maybe, just maybe it’s not too late yet”.

Oh love, was it you that gave me wings? Those wings they made me fly…
I want to go back to the land of dreams where you and I aren’t apart.
Show me. Lead me to my own heart. I know you can, I had it as an innocent child.

“I’m ready”, I scream, to take even the most dangerous route.
I’ll climb mountains if needed, cross rivers and waterfalls.
I’ll die. For you. I just don’t want to live anymore where you don’t exist.

I’ve been blind to your inklings. For too long. But I need you.
Now more than ever before. Please come back to me, let me live.
I promise – I’ll be all that you guide me to be.   

 

 

New Relationship. Should I Stay or Should I Go?

A new relationship. Nice beginning, first few months of smooth sailing and boom – you have an argument. Things were said, a door was slammed, someone stormed out, someone fired an insult. As the relationship is fairly new you have no idea where you stand. In fact, you still might be questioning yourself if you were ready for that relationship in the first place. So what do you do now? You’re scared to lose them, but you’re equally scared to feel like you’re messing up again. And what on earth will you tell your friends, especially after posting that loved up shot on Instagram last week.

A battle of injured egoic perception of self against the battle of your true essence. You know who you are and you know your partner is a good person. You know that on a deeper level we are all connected and, as souls, everyone is equally beautiful. But you have also lived with your personality traits, beliefs and habits for so long that it’s damn hard to separate the made up identity, aka ‘the saboteur monkey’, from the real you.

And if you ask yourself, ‘Who am I really?’ and start de-constructing those false beliefs you will find dark bits, sadness, deep wounds, pain, lack of self worth, anger and rage which all stem from past experiences. It doesn’t matter how well you cover it up – we all have darkness inside. It’s just a part of being human. Even in nature – as night follows day; the rain follows sunshine.

Wounded? That can’t be you, right? Things are going wrong so maybe the person you’re with is the one who has issues and cannot understand you. Let me ask you something; can you understand yourself? Are you willing to work on yourself, to transform your character, to be more accepting and forgiving towards yourself and others? Are you ready to really get to know and love all aspects of you? As Carl Jung (a Swiss psychiatrist often called one of the most controversial psychological theorists) so rightly put, “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

Looking inside your shadow and fully accepting yourself for who you are will  be one of the most difficult things you ever do. An old idea of self, expired beliefs and past experiences will often haunt you and threaten to take away sanity and pieces of happiness you still possess. It is easy to advise someone else what to do; how to raise kids, how to solve problems with their partner and how to live, really. Yet when it comes to ourselves we are often clueless, confused and can’t seem to find the way forward. 

When faced with choice, especially around relationships, it’s so easy to act childlike and throw a tantrum so just you don’t have to admit to yourself that you are scared and would rather sabotage the relationship. So you find excuses: long hours at work, crazy training regime, time consuming hobbies and no way you could commit to someone, as you do not have the time, right?

And then you look for supporting evidence: your partner said something you didn’t like, they didn’t call you when promised, and the colour of their shirt is just hideous. Congrats. You convinced yourself again – just look at the evidence you’ve gathered. Oh, and in case you still have any doubts, don’t forget to call your friends – especially the ones who always agree with you no matter what you say. 

But what if you’re missing out on something wonderful? What if your vision is so clouded by made up logic that you’re ultimately pushing away your soulmate? Will you find that closeness and intimacy, that only opening up to someone can bring? True – to fully open up requires to peel off layers of self and become vulnerable. Again. But guess what? You can’t buy a fulfilling relationship in a market stall nor can you store it on a shelf like a book you don’t fancy reading today. Because ‘when I am ready’ may never come so why choose to postpone love?

Or perhaps the relationship itself is wrong. And even if you know it is, why do you try so hard to hold onto someone who’s not for you? What really scares you about closing the door? Surely it can’t be that Instagram photo. 

Don’t fear failed relationships; fear those that you learnt nothing from and kept repeating same patterns over and over again. Because sometimes it’s just about the lesson of truly standing up for yourself, listening to your deepest heart’s desires and saying no. Because sometimes it’s just about learning to love you first.

I am not here to tell you what to do or who to follow, for there’s only one voice you should follow – yours. Because the only way to happiness is to be true to yourself. After all it’s easy to lie to a parent or work colleague and tell them you’re fine, but there is only so long you can lie to yourself. You know the truth – admitting it is the hard part.

Your life will only change when you commit to being true to yourself no matter what. Forget everyone around you. Forget their advice, their opinions and all the good they ever wish for you to experience. Ask yourself – rely on your intuition. Only you, in the depths of your being, know what’s right for you, but you have to choose to live your own truth. This choice is never easy to begin with, but as with everything in life the more you practise the easier it gets.

So stop for a moment and glance back; you’ve been trying to run away from yourself and it hasn’t been easy. How much worse can it be to live with yourself instead? And if you really feel like you don’t know yourself and what you want, then just ask this question: ‘what would someone who loves themselves do?’ Ideally, keep asking this question daily – as many times as is needed: when it comes to food choices (what a wonderful diet advice), how to spend a Sunday afternoon or when you can’t decide whether to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

Teal Swan wrote a powerful blogpost titled ‘365 Days of Self Love’ in which she advises to live by this question for an entire year to learn the true power of self love. This, of course,  requires commitment on your part, but as everything in life worth having – it all starts with saying yes. And remember, magic hides outside your comfort zone.