Tag Archives: New Beginning

Pretty Lies

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In a moment of icy crystal like clarity
My wounded heart was beating so loud, in a dusky restaurant,
I was afraid that he would hear it and ask about the wide eyed look and rose-pink hot-flushed cheeks
When suddenly I saw my own fear infused, ever expanding, like a stain of blue ink on a white satin sheet, insanity.
What I was trying to achieve, perhaps not what, but how, it startled me, stabbed me to my core with a pair of cold, stainless steel scissors
By betraying my own tired heart, by going for something that has never been true for me which I knew right from the tangled-web-like start;
I hurt myself like a bird fallen from the sky that didn’t spread its wings and violently crashed to the cemented ground.
This wasn’t a life anymore, but pretty lies to me, my soul and I.
Running from my own truth. Lacking the courage to ignite a fire in my jaded heart. Not allowing myself to believe, not allowing to love.
Except that the lies weren’t pretty anymore.
And even though, out of marmite ridden guilt or maybe fear, I’ve still tried, the convincing, ghostly blindness which used to be my friend,
Didn’t have that hypnotic power over me anymore as much.
The truth has pierced its eyes wide open. It made me feel the flowery drops of dew in early morning on my thirsty skin. It’s slowly steered me towards a clearing in the bleak and shapeless day, perhaps it’s impelled me in the direction of love.
I was left alone. Again. To figure things out.
To choose yet another voyager sailboat in the stormy ocean, no, not even on solid ground.
Well, either that or stick to something that I’ve known – the pretty lies. The ones that I’ve been using to betray my own heart.
And all I needed to realise the truth was a conversation with the perfect stranger in a candlelit restaurant with casual yet stylish deco,
Where waiters smile at you and treat you like a king;
In the city restaurant filled with hope and expectations, of multiple hearts looking for home – to belong, to feel safe, to run wild and to accept themselves.
The arrogant stranger who shook me to my core, I thank him.
He tossed a shiny golden coin onto darkest ground and disappeared into his granite castle. And in that way he’s perfect. Never to be seen again yet never forgotten.
I picked up the coin with my cold, trembling hands and promised to my heart that I’d pay the price to listen to my soul until the language that it speaks to me feels finally like home.

Beginning and End

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“What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.”
T.S. Elliot

There’s a beginning and then there’s an end. 2015 is coming to a screeching halt and 2016 is slowly creeping up through the magical gate of the universe. The crisp London air invites everyone into streets and presents humanity with yet another post-Christmas melt down. Another year has gone; a year of daily experiences, some magical moments, perhaps some important breakthroughs or miserable failures. Will 2016 bring something different, more exciting and worthwhile?

I remember when I used to make New Year resolutions, which many people still do. Towards the end of this year, however, I find myself asking if I need a certain date in the calendar to make a change? The truth is – I don’t. I have learnt that sometimes the time is never right; only when we pluck up the courage, step out of familiar surroundings and comfort zone, and dare to travel an unexplored road, the one that is less travelled – only then miracles happen. And when you think about it, life in itself is a miracle. So what are we waiting for?

Don’t wait. Stop putting your life on hold off until tomorrow. Just ask yourself: what if tomorrow never comes? You already have in you the strength, the courage, and the right imagination to make your dreams come true. You may wonder what imagination has to do with anything. Just close your eyes for a moment and dare to dream, because dreams are the building blocks of life. They create and inspire, they move you or give you hope. And sometimes they are the only thing that will keep you going.

There’s the beginning and then there’s the end. And we find ourselves asking, the end of what? Another year which is, in essence, just a fragment of time? Another year which will be remembered by many, forgotten by many too? I wonder how closely the end and the beginning are really related.

They say that painful endings are often disguised as new beginnings – and so you may find yourself asking: ‘what new beginning would I like to create right now (not from Monday or January 1st)? Right now – as you’re breathing, you’re conscious and can hear the wind claiming the ownership of the night; as your senses are awake and allow you to feel love, pain, joy and disappointment. Your time is here and now. Don’t waste it wishing for better days ahead. Do that one thing, at this very moment, which will move you at least an inch closer towards the manifestation of your dreams.

We were born to grow and create. I know it isn’t always easy – in fact, most of the time, quite contrary – life is challenging. But it’s up to you how you handle those challenges. A friend of mine says that nothing is ever wasted… Sometimes I regret, and if you are just human – quite possibly so do you: time spent on failed relationships, monotone jobs, chasing goals that at the time seemed unattainable, hurting people, getting hurt, losing a personal battle. Sometimes we cry and wonder, ‘what if’? The truth is – none of it matters now. ‘What if’ did not happen. Perhaps because we were too scared to try or maybe it wasn’t meant to happen in the first place.

So be brave, be bold, be courageous – be the kind of person you have always wanted to be. Promise to yourself that next time the ‘what if’ situation comes along you will turn it in to, ‘I went for it and this is what happened…’ And you know what? If you fail, that’s ok too. There’s the beginning and then there’s the end. And if you find yourself asking, ‘the end of what?’, only you can solve this magnificent puzzle called ‘life’.

Happy New Year!