Tag Archives: Time is precious

Pretty Lies

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In a moment of icy crystal like clarity
My wounded heart was beating so loud, in a dusky restaurant,
I was afraid that he would hear it and ask about the wide eyed look and rose-pink hot-flushed cheeks
When suddenly I saw my own fear infused, ever expanding, like a stain of blue ink on a white satin sheet, insanity.
What I was trying to achieve, perhaps not what, but how, it startled me, stabbed me to my core with a pair of cold, stainless steel scissors
By betraying my own tired heart, by going for something that has never been true for me which I knew right from the tangled-web-like start;
I hurt myself like a bird fallen from the sky that didn’t spread its wings and violently crashed to the cemented ground.
This wasn’t a life anymore, but pretty lies to me, my soul and I.
Running from my own truth. Lacking the courage to ignite a fire in my jaded heart. Not allowing myself to believe, not allowing to love.
Except that the lies weren’t pretty anymore.
And even though, out of marmite ridden guilt or maybe fear, I’ve still tried, the convincing, ghostly blindness which used to be my friend,
Didn’t have that hypnotic power over me anymore as much.
The truth has pierced its eyes wide open. It made me feel the flowery drops of dew in early morning on my thirsty skin. It’s slowly steered me towards a clearing in the bleak and shapeless day, perhaps it’s impelled me in the direction of love.
I was left alone. Again. To figure things out.
To choose yet another voyager sailboat in the stormy ocean, no, not even on solid ground.
Well, either that or stick to something that I’ve known – the pretty lies. The ones that I’ve been using to betray my own heart.
And all I needed to realise the truth was a conversation with the perfect stranger in a candlelit restaurant with casual yet stylish deco,
Where waiters smile at you and treat you like a king;
In the city restaurant filled with hope and expectations, of multiple hearts looking for home – to belong, to feel safe, to run wild and to accept themselves.
The arrogant stranger who shook me to my core, I thank him.
He tossed a shiny golden coin onto darkest ground and disappeared into his granite castle. And in that way he’s perfect. Never to be seen again yet never forgotten.
I picked up the coin with my cold, trembling hands and promised to my heart that I’d pay the price to listen to my soul until the language that it speaks to me feels finally like home.

Later – When I Have More Time

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Today my nephew would have been 18. If he did not end his own life almost two years ago.

Emilis came to me in a dream the night it happened and seemed to be really sad and depressed. We went for a walk in the early hours of the morning near a huge lake surrounded by thick fog. He wanted to cross a bridge over the lake even though all we could see in the distance was even more grey heavy fog. I was reassuring him that things will work out, that everything will change and that there’s so much I’d like to teach him about life and asked him to skype me so we would talk when I had more time.

Despite my efforts to convince the boy not to cross the bridge words seemed to escape him as he had already made up his mind. He briefly glanced at me and walked into the fog while keeping his gaze down. I don’t remember the rest of the dream, but I remember the sound of an early morning text message. It was from my mum and read something like this, ‘Sad news – Emilis killed himself at night’. In flood of tears I instantly recalled the dream which now held so much meaning – he came to say goodbye.

It was his choice – he could not handle life on earth anymore and decided to cross over. Who am I to question, blame others, the environment or even wonder what could have been? He’s gone. While I’m sure that if anyone had suspected what was about to happen we would have done our best to save him, this makes me question: how much control do we really have over someone else’s life?

What struck me though was the fact that when he came to me so visibly distressed, after uttering a few words of comfort I asked him to skype me LATER when I have MORE TIME. Even though it happened in the dream state, the reality is that a lot of us can relate to this at some point in time. And I am not even talking here about not doing something here and now for our loved ones, but the fact that we postpone what really matters to us until ‘LATER, WHEN I HAVE MORE TIME’.

The truth is that life may pass you by and there will be no time left to do what truly counts. So if you’re waiting for when you’re ready, just know that every single second of your time on earth is precious. Also know that someone who’s alive today may not be here tomorrow. Ask yourself, ‘if such and such died tomorrow what would I want them to know?’ and you will have some pretty good guidance to do what needs to be done. More often than not, things left unsaid carry heavy weight and when expressed they will set you free. Having said that, remember that words have energy and they can equally lift someone up or destroy them so choose what you say wisely, from the heart, and most importantly – be true to yourself.