Demons are real. And no, I don’t mean ghosts or evil spirits that are lurking in a closet ready to attack; but those demons within us that tell us how we can’t achieve something so we might as well just give up.I’m pretty sure, many of us are familiar with that quiet yet nagging voice saying to wait until tomorrow when we know that we’re perfectly capable of doing what needs to be done today.
It’s the darker side within us which says that we should identify with pain, with our own limitations and that our dreams, especially big dreams are so far out of reach. It’s the part that says it’s ok to eat that extra cookie or stay in an unfulfilling relationship, because it’s easy, known, comfortable and safe. But it’s also the part that keeps us separate and away from what we really want.
Equally though, there is a voice within us that is way more powerful and inherent in our nature. It’s what connects us to our dreams and says that we can expect more from life. It’s the driving force within that keeps us going no matter what. It’s what gives us faith in our own ability regardless of what we might have gone through. It’s what reminds us that the human spirit is unconquerable and that we were born to create and live a life of joy and fulfilment; and by doing so to inspire and show others what’s truly possible. Stir someone’s spirit enough and they’re already closer to recognising their own true nature.
I often wonder why people find it so easy to judge and criticise themselves, yet self-love and recognition of the inner power is something that needs to be worked at. We always believe in something, so we might as well believe in what’s higher within us and choose to look at life from that point of view.
I keep seeing posts addressed to women and titled something like, ‘He won’t leave you if you do this’, ‘How to get and keep a guy’, ‘What men like in a woman’ etc. Really? How about being yourself and standing in your power in relation to men?
There’s nothing more beautiful than a woman knowing who she is and being cool about it, even with all her so called flaws. I mean, come on, we all have an ego and nobody is perfect. While such articles can be interesting to read or even amusing sometimes, it often sends a message of what women need to do in order to be approved, loved even, by men.
So here’s my message: don’t be afraid to be who you are. If someone leaves you because they don’t like all of you, let them. But don’t mould yourself into a doll, don’t make it all about ‘him’ just so you could keep a guy. There are plenty of brilliant men out there; the more you stand in your power and go for what’s important to you, the more likely you are to meet someone where you can be perfectly yourself.
That is not to say that relationships do not require any effort, they do. But what determines the success of a relationship is where you are coming from: do you try to ‘please’ him and do what a good partner ‘should do’ because you’re afraid of losing him or do you consciously choose to put effort in to make your relationship as great as it can be? In other words, are you acting out of fear or love?
Love, you strange thing… You come uninvited, I don’t even know how.
Yet when you leave, the absence of you hits like a snowstorm, I feel icy cold.
I deny you. I run from myself until I hit an empty black bottomless hole.
In the ground. It’s dark.
My heart cries for you, yet I’m overwhelmed by emotion – it’s fear.
I’m so fused with fright that I don’t know where it ends and where I begin.
But, “It’s time”, I hear your faint whisper;
“To embrace courage and wake up from this dream”.
I look up and I wonder, “Oh maybe, just maybe it’s not too late yet”.
Oh love, was it you that gave me wings? Those wings they made me fly…
I want to go back to the land of dreams where you and I aren’t apart.
Show me. Lead me to my own heart. I know you can, I had it as an innocent child.
“I’m ready”, I scream, to take even the most dangerous route.
I’ll climb mountains if needed, cross rivers and waterfalls.
I’ll die. For you. I just don’t want to live anymore where you don’t exist.
I’ve been blind to your inklings. For too long. But I need you.
Now more than ever before. Please come back to me, let me live.
I promise – I’ll be all that you guide me to be.
There’s a quote which reads, “People can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves.” And going into depths of your own being perhaps is the most important thing in life. After all, how do you know who you are if you haven’t met yourself yet? How often do you question your beliefs, perception, ideas, decisions? Do they serve you? Do you even know where they come from? How often do you sit alone in silence and listen to your own inner voice?
See, there was a time when I lived my life pretty blindly – just went along with it thinking that this is how it is. I had pretty fixed definitions of myself, people in my life and the world. I felt stuck and yet I never dared to doubt what I saw around me. It was reality, right? Well, of course it was. My perceived reality.
Having come across some powerful metaphysical teachings I changed, thankfully. I am no longer stuck in the same paradigm, no longer so strongly held in a prison created by my own limited thinking. I question myself every day – and the more questions I ask the more answers seem to emerge. They don’t always please me. In fact, it can be the exact opposite – quite often I’m taken aback by what’s stored in my mind. Yet, you see, it’s important to ask myself. Because if I don’t, then how do I know what I think? It sounds pretty obvious but it’s not.
You can even try this for yourself by asking questions such as, ‘What do I really think about myself? Who am I? What do I really think about men/women/having children/money?’ And the key, then, is to go with the first answer you get instinctively from your unconscious mind. You’ll be surprised but very often it is not what you consciously think. And those answers can be used to explore what caused such thinking in the first place.
As I changed, the world around me shifted, moved, changed its form. Long gone are fixed definitions – they’ve become dynamic. I no longer identify with the girl I used to be. I have grown to be a woman. It’s been a tough journey – quite challenging, yet so liberating and rewarding at the same time.
One of the most important lessons on this journey was allowing myself to feel – like truly feel and not need to suppress my emotions and desires anymore. Some emotions and feelings still scare me – it’s forceful and powerful, and so, I’m not sure if I can control it when I let it loose. Yet I know, if held in, it will cause a lot more trouble in the form of depression, illness and chaos around me so I don’t listen to that fear anymore.
I’ve learnt to express myself and state what I want. Not because I should or should not want something based on where I am in life, not even because I need it, but purely because I would love to have it. There’s no other reason – it is that simple. If you truly want something in your heart, why not say it out loud? There will always be those who object no matter what you say, yet there will be those who will listen, resonate with it and will see the world as you see it.
So what does it actually mean to be a woman? To me it’s not about becoming someone I’m not, not about having a perfect body, not about being an ideal mum and many more of so perceived should be’s. It’s actually about unbecoming everything I have become so that I can be my true self. It’s about letting go of everything I know and learning to see the magic in the world again.
To me, to be a woman is to be free. To free myself of so long held perception of what I’m expected to do or how I should act. Freeing myself of stuck beliefs made up in childhood, accepting and loving myself for who I am. Being a woman is about rawness and wilderness, passion, sensuality, vulnerability, immense power seeking to erupt and a vast understanding of life and people around me.
So long I was trying to be perfect, did what I thought I should do if I wanted to ‘make it’ in life. But the veil of illusion has come down. I don’t want to be perfect anymore – all I want to do now is just be myself.
Is it always easy? Hell no. Standing up for myself in every situation, owning my voice, saying no to what no longer serves me and sometimes walking away from people I love. Not because I stop loving them, no. But because they fail to see the woman I have become. And because staying sometimes doesn’t serve my truth. Perhaps the girl I used to be would stay. And why? Because she strongly identified with her feelings and didn’t know any better. Because she thought that what she was told by someone else somehow defined her. Because she thought that she couldn’t make it on her own.
But the woman in me is a powerful creature. She’s knowledgeable. She knows that feelings are not always real. She knows that thoughts are often recollections of her past experiences and have little to do with what’s going on in each given moment. Because she’s learnt how to rely on her intuition and be true to herself. Because she accepted the fact that following her heart will involve a lot of tension which often won’t feel comfortable yet she’s okay with that.
See, she’s not looking for comfort, perfect life or peace either. Because she just wants to be herself. She wants to create. She wants to express her passion, her desires and her truth. Because she has found her power when she connected to her heart. Perhaps some will never understand it, and maybe she won’t even bother explaining anymore. And men, when you meet a woman you will recognise her. And to truly get to know and handle her, sometimes the boy in you will have to die.
Communication by far is one of the most important things in a relationship. Needless to say, it goes hand in hand with vulnerability. Contrary to popular belief, vulnerability is power, not a form of weakness. Why? Because it takes a lot of strength to overcome your ego and not only admit to yourself, but also to another person that perhaps you are afraid, have insecurities, feel lost or somehow incomplete.
People generally believe that they can’t be truthful and need to manipulate or impress others, or that being themselves is somehow not viable or even dangerous. Yet there’s nothing more powerful than being real, expressing yourself and owning your heart.
See, I was one of those people who were afraid to be open up and liked to stay in control. Yet it never led me anywhere nice, or worth being, for that matter. Only when, with a trembling voice and shaking hands at times, I got deep, really deep… only then I witnessed magic.
I find it so beautiful and humble when a person can truly open up and talk about their feelings, fears and desires. When we communicate from that space, connection deepens, falseness falls off and miracles happen. I love what Gay Hendricks wrote in is his book ‘The Big Leap’:
‘There are several ways we limit positive energy in relationships. One is by starting arguments, out of fear of intimacy, at times when we could be exchanging intimacy. Another is by withholding significant communications. We get scared of being close, for example, and instead of telling the microscopic truth about it (“My belly felt tight and my skin contracted when I heard you say…”), we withdraw and swallow the communication. Another way we limit positive energy is by needing to control or dominate the other person (or needing to be controlled or dominated). If we always have to be right, for example, there is no room in the relationship to be happy.’
Happy communication folks. Stay true to yourselves. Stay powerful.
Have you ever looked at a stranger and felt like you really want to talk to them? Have you? And how often has fear taken over?
It makes me think of the many times I’ve spotted people (especially on the tube) that I would have liked to connect with, but did’t dare to open my mouth. Why? Because of fear, of course. You know, just in case they don’t respond, laugh at me or look at me like I’m a complete nutter. And just think of all those masses of people in the same carriage who will get to see it! That’s pretty scary, right?
There have been, however, some other times when I did overcome the resistance and said hello, which led to some interesting conversations, laughs, book recommendations, feeling that we all are connected and some pleasant memories. So in light of these recollections here’s my latest poem.
Oh fellow Londoner, who are you?
Where are you going this misty morning?
I see your face so very often, on central line,
Ah, that mundane London underground commuter’s journey.
As you looked down at your phone on Monday, I saw you smile.
Was it a message from your loved one?
Or did you see a funny joke on Facebook
posted by one of your five hundred friends?
On Tuesday you seemed stressed.
Was it how you really felt?
Or was your face just a reflection
of what’s going on in my own life?
On Friday you looked up at me and smiled;
I thought you’d say hello but we both, I guess, were shy.
I often wonder why? I’d sensed we would have enjoyed a chat, yet
we avoided connection and gave in to fear.
Fear speaks to me – it has a voice.
That haunting voice, in my head, it often tells me things.
‘Stay quiet, as you may get rejected. What will people say?
They will judge. Don’t you know your place?’
Ah, but hold on. I’ve heard it all before.
Sounds just like my dad and mama teaching me to how to be in life.
There’s being good and bad, doing what you’re expected, and not talking back.
We grow up, but are we ever told that we’re not children anymore?
So when do we stop identifying with what we’re not allowed?
Oh fellow Londoner, next time we meet I hope we’ll speak.
Perhaps a brief exchange, a polite hello or maybe this encounter will lead to something more?
To find out we’ll have to overcome that gripping fear,
Risk to be ridiculed and open our hearts.
Possibilities in life are truly limitless – I know, letting go is tough, yet
vulnerability offers rewards far beyond what you and I could ever grasp.